We broke our own boundaries last week. We were out with friends, and we split off into separate rooms at a busy club. Luke asked if I was okay for him to stay and play with our friend Annie, while I went with two other friends to find a quieter space for some impact play. I was surprised and a little taken aback by his question, as he had been so very adamant that we must always play together when at a club. I felt safe with our friends, and I could see how much he wanted this, so I said yes. I was happy with this arrangement, as I have no issue with playing separately. It’s Luke who doesn’t like the idea of me being away from him, because he wants control over single males approaching and playing with me. He is scared of them hurting me and wants to keep an eye out for my well-being. After being told that around six men were queuing up behind me for a turn on me without discussion or consent while I was being spitroasted, I can understand why. I couldn’t see them standing behind me, and Luke had to tell them to back off in a very firm tone as he watched the scene unfold with my head between his thighs. I would have had no idea that they were there or if they used protection until it was too late. But I was with people I trusted, so I felt comfortable enough to leave him to it.
We ended up in a room behind the DJ booth. It was loud and hot, and I worried that Luke wouldn’t know where we were, so I stuck my black cross-shaped nipple covers on the front of the door so he would know it was us inside. My friends had invited a single guy in to play with us. The guys had us bent over next to each other while they paddled, flogged and fucked us both, and I very much enjoyed the experience.
When Luke finally arrived at our room, he was surprised to see a single male in the space with us. Our other boundary was that I wasn’t allowed to play with single males without him (again, only at a club; house parties are a different story). The thing is, I hadn’t realised the single guy had been invited in until moments before we walked into the room to play. I felt safe with my friends, so I was happy to go ahead with the scene. I felt it was fair since Luke had stayed behind to play alone.
Both of these boundary-breaking situations could have caused a lot of issues between us. Both of us could have felt resentment at what was essentially a breach of trust, and for some couples, this could have been the catalyst for a huge fight or even the breakdown of their relationship. Instead, what happened was that Luke apologised profusely the next morning. He touched on the subject of the single male being in the private room without him, which I apologised for, but he quickly admitted that if he hadn’t broken the first boundary, then the second one wouldn’t have happened. We still needed to sit down and re-establish our ever-moving boundaries, as at that moment, I had no idea where they sat. But we needed some time to process what happened, and to think about what we want going forward. We sat down that evening to re-establish our boundaries, and found that they had moved. We now know where we stand going forward (until it’s time to move them again!).
That’s the thing with boundaries in the lifestyle - for many couples, the more they experience this world, the more they open up to it. This leads to deep discussions and conversations about what each person is comfortable with. Sometimes a little negotiation is required to ensure both partners' happiness, but both partners need to agree on what’s okay and what’s not.
Ultimately, boundaries are there to keep your relationship safe. No one wants to wake up the next morning after what seemed like a fantastic night out to realise that their partner is deeply hurt and wants to separate from them. To not respect your partner’s boundaries would be considered selfish.
Here are some things you might want to discuss before entering into your first swinging experience, or to re-establish existing boundaries.
1. Discuss your motivations behind wanting to try swinging. Is it out of curiosity and fantasy? Do you feel like you want to spice up your sex life? Is there a particular activity you want to explore together? Asking these questions ensures you are both doing it for the right reasons, and not just because your partner is placing pressure on you to do so.
2. Agree on what is and isn’t allowed. For example, some couples don’t allow kissing between swinging partners (at least, they don’t for their first few experiences. Most remove this particular boundary as it’s difficult to upkeep). You might only want to soft swap (kissing, touching, oral only, no penetration). Are same-sex interactions okay? Are certain acts completely off-limits? You must both be 100% in agreement on all of this before you head out for your first encounter.
3. Discuss rules about being together. Are you strictly a same-room couple? Or are you happy to play separately?
4. Agree on a safe word. If you want to remove yourself and your partner from a situation, you should have a safe word or sentence that either of you can use to politely leave. For example, you could say ‘I need to go for a walk’ to your partner, and they immediately leave with you, no questions asked (until later when you discuss why).
5. Have emotional check-ins. It’s normal to feel some jealousy when seeing your partner with someone else for the first time. It’s super important to talk about this before and after a LS play date, and to be completely honest with one another. It’s also really important to be accepting and understanding of your partner’s feelings, even if they don’t match yours.
6. Protection and sexual health. Most people in the lifestyle will automatically reach for a condom when they are about to have sex. However, not everyone has the same standards, so it’s important that if you want protection to be used, you both discuss and agree on it first. You also need to be aware of what your play partners are doing and ensure they are wearing protection too.
7. Aftercare is important. After play, come home and spend time together. Reconnect. Love each other (however that looks like for you). Luke and I love to spoon naked with full skin contact and ‘I love yous’. Sometimes we will have slow, sensual sex together to ‘claim each other back’.
Even if you’ve been swinging together for years, you’ll need to revisit your boundaries regularly and do all of the above. Boundaries will change with your experience, and you both need to be on the same page at all times.
If you have your own story to share about boundaries, feel free to share it on my ‘readers' reflections’ page. I would love to hear from you!
Lacey xx